The truth about bees and honey

Quoting the whiny and syrupy love song, (and fair enough, an excellent one at that) "Another rainy night" from Queensrÿche would be in order at this time. I had this whole barrel of angst cooked up against women in general, but I realized my protest wasn't actually against women, but the thing women bring out in men: relationships. Think about it. What are relationships really about? And I'm looking for the most sincere sense of the word. Rip it apart, wipe off the extra and what you'll have left is this: lying. For sex. You have a few laughs with a woman, sure. Between the times she doesn't try bossing you around to be her bitch, that is. What are you really haggling at with all those cute gestures and playing nicenice? Yep, you got it. Sex.

At this point I usually get someone whining about the joys of a long term relationship. Bullshit. What could be more agonizing than the sight of the same, at this point probably fat, face convincing you not to leave her, because her virility will eventually return some day? And while not having sex with you, she makes sure to deny you an evening of beers and movies with your mates. The male ones. Nope, the broad would have to walk. So I wrote a couple of ground rules regarding this whole dating business:

• Manatees should be condemned.

• Post-manatees should be condemned.

• People with a defect in the self-respect department, yep, condemned.

• Women with an overly possessive obsession over their guy. Condemn with a big C.

• People obsessing over getting themselves a boy-/girlfriend and then settling for some half-witted substitute, should be obligated to fall into a pit of piranhas.

• If your boy-/girlfriend is using you as a doormat, you probably deserve it. You have simply failed.

• If you pick up an idiot from the dance floor of a night club, after getting hell drunk and rupturing your scuba gear, the suicidal feeling and STD the next morning are your fault.

Let me catch even one of you in a crappy relationship after these, frankly industry leading, dating instructions, I only have one thing to say to you. Epic fail.

www.youfail.org